Commitments Don’t Make Love Work, Love Does.

If you are following my posts, you now understand that Un-coupling is about loving someone without any commitments.  I often get this question below in some form or another, so I wanted to answer it thoroughly.

Aren’t you afraid that without a commitment your person will leave you, or choose someone else?

No.

Let’s break this down. The assumption that a commitment protects a couple from destruction is faulty at best. I can speak from anecdotal evidence first. I’ve known thousands of people personally, some intimately, some from a distance. Some of these people were neighbors, coworkers, friends, acquaintances, family and so forth. I have also had a few hundred clients in my work, at least. From many accounts and observations of all the humans I’ve met as an adult, I couldn’t count how many were miserable, frustrated, unfaithful, wished they could be unfaithful, planning to leave, hoping to leave, regretful, divorced, broken up, married… multiple times, disillusioned, and altogether bitter. All of those who were unhappy, had committed to their partner in some way. Nearly all of them were supposed to be monogamous, as far as I knew. But let’s step outside of myself, I can’t tell you how many of those people told me about other people that they knew, who were also experiencing some sort of failed relationship. Again, all of them with commitments to their partner; some married, and many with children. And yet, their relationships fell apart. Now lets step even further outside of myself, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) – National Center for Health Statistics reports in the latest marriage/divorce data for 2020 that 1,676,911 people in the United States were married in 2020 while 630,505 people got divorced. See a full report here. I feel confident stating that commitments do not secure relationships between people, even when they are legally bound. Therefore, I am not fearful about losing my companion simply because we are not committed, or because we don’t have a label. There are more serious threats to be concerned about; like trying to control or contain each other, keeping score, condemning, shaming. These things would scare me.

Commitments, agreements, and rules simply do not have a lot of evidence supporting that they are effective at preventing people from abandonment. Security in a relationship has very little to do with the expectations and commitments set forth, and more to do with the amount of qualitative love between both parties–love that is replete with respect, kindness, compassion, and acceptance. This type of love nudges at a notion of something pure, but often elusive. This mysterious thing is something we see in close friendships, healthy workplaces, loving families, and healthy communities. This thing is called psychological safety. This is the shared belief that people can disclose their thoughts, opinions, and values without being condemned or endure painful repercussions. It means that a person feels safe to be themselves, whatever that looks like. Psychological safety is terminology most notably used in the workplace, but it is equally relevant in romantic and social relationships. When psychological safety is paired with patience, acceptance, and love, commitment happens naturally. It is no longer a verbally defined agreement made up of expectations about how you act or what you do; it is an emotional and unconscious choice to simply remain in tandem with the person that affords such a warm and nurturing environment for you. When two people practice this type of shared belief, they are unlikely to stray from such emotional security. This doesn’t mean that a person never explores other avenues in life or other people, but it does mean that what is shared between two people is very special-sacred even-and not easily abandoned. Commitment is not a set of rules or a title when it comes to love, it is a way of being. Abandonment doesn’t occur when someone explores other experiences or people; rather abandonment is about the person severing their connection with you. Our connection is unlikely to be severed, because there simply isn’t much motivation to do so.

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Getting Personal…

For me, I know my person may want to travel without me at times. Often, he wants to spend time with other people, do things that are more fun with them, because while I’m a fun person, I’m not fun at everything! Occasionally, he learns new things that don’t include me. Sometimes he gets curious, restless, bored. Maybe he talks to other women, maybe he explores them sexually, develops friendships. I’m not entirely sure how it all plays out. In our circumstances, we don’t ask each other for details, we don’t pry. Jealousy is still a real emotion, so we both agree not to stoke that fire without good reason. (I promise I will talk about this later!) In spite of all this, I know he isn’t going anywhere, and neither am I. For what reason would either of us want to run away? We are abundantly happy, joyous, loved, and free. He is there when I need him, he is there when I want him. I also choose willingly to be there when he needs me, there when he wants me. We are equally conscientious about not being greedy with each other’s time. We allow each other space and time away, acknowledging that over-saturation can feel heavy and stagnant. I too, get bored, restless, curious. I get playful, silly. Sometimes I want to act out different parts of myself with new people as a means of self-exploration. I also believe people are the most fascinating vehicle for experiencing life and uncovering who we are deep down; so meeting and connecting with others is vital for my lifelong development and contentment. I have a secure base, but sometimes I just want to experience life differently. If this is true for me, then I have to allow that to be true for him, too.

Go and explore. Feel. Taste. See. Touch. However far you go, however far I go, we are always here, together.

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Questions for self-reflection:

Does your relationship foster a sense of psychological safety? If not, in what ways have you and your partner’s expectations and commitments prevented this?

Have you ever been in a committed relationship, complete with titles and labels, and it fell apart anyway? Can you remember why?

What commitments have you set in place for your relationship and what is their purpose? What are they supposed to accomplish?

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The Paradox of Uncoupling

Uncoupling is about Unconditional Love.

If you’ve read the first two posts, then you are likely wondering why would any two people who love each other so well choose to avoid being together—as a couple. So here’s the primary explanation. Uncoupling isn’t about being single, or alone; it’s about being completely independent and free while loving someone else, and also letting them be completely independent and free. It’s actually about unconditional love. Unconditional in this context means there are no conditions in which you stop loving each other. Love in this context means that you treat your person with all the things that word encompasses: kindness, respect, honesty, compassion, tolerance, generosity, appreciation, and acceptance. Do we only do this when we are satisfied with each other. No! We do it regardless. That means he or I may choose to do something the other isn’t partial to, but that’s not reason to try and manipulate the situation to our own favor. We communicate openly and respectfully about it. The discussion isn’t to persuade the other, it’s simply to understand each other. What happens when you treat another person in this way? A deep level of trust and safety forms.

For instance, I may want to spend a weekend traveling with a friend; he may have wanted to spend that time with me. However, I simply don’t want to because I want to have a different experience. Since we have no obligations or expectations of each other, I don’t have to feel guilty for that. He is also safe to share his disappointment if he needs to, without repercussions, just as I am safe to say I want to do something different from him. That’s freedom and love happening simultaneously. Neither of us will recoil, shame, or blame the other even when we experience discomfort because of something the other chooses. Remember, controlling others nearly always pushes them away. If not in the moment, then assuredly it will cultivate a tenacious resentment over time.

I have complete freedom to be who I want to be at all times. This means when I want to be alone, or travel with friends, or explore another person, I get to decide these things. My companion chooses not to intervene lest he will tamper with my truest wishes. Since he doesn’t want to do that, I feel even more loved and appreciated for who I actually am. I don’t feel pressure to show up in any specific way, I don’t feel obligated to alter what I feel or do to make him happy. One of the gifts we enjoy most is seeing the other happy; and we never seek to put fences around how it happens. I want for you what you want for you.

The Paradox

Ironically, since there is no pressure to be anything but my authentic self, it makes me want to prioritize his feelings. So in the end, do I consider his feelings when I make decisions? YES! I absolutely care if he feels forgotten, or unimportant, or undervalued. Those things matter to me so I nurture a sense of love, acceptance, and value in hopes that it makes him feel appreciated. The paradox is that his complete acceptance for who I am makes me prioritize his feelings beyond what I thought I was capable of. His lack of any control about what I do or how I feel is validating, safe, generous, and respectful. If I felt there was an expectation or pressure to prioritize his feelings over mine, it would feel like confinement. I also receive his love in the same way, because I give the same things to him. This means there’s nothing that can come to the table that can turn us away from each other. Even other people.

Disclaimer: Nothing of what I speak is relevant where there is emotional, physical, sexual, psychological or financial abuse. Please know that violation of your safety and human rights is never to be tolerated. Please speak to a professional if you are unsure whether this is happening in your relationships. Therapists are a great place to start. You can always search for a clinical professional by visiting Psychology Today at the link below,and searching by your city, insurance, concerns, and other preferences.

http://www.psychologytoday.com

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What I’ve Observed

To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.

Marilyn vos Savant

When I look at other relationships, a great many have countless conditions and pressures placed on them. For instance, many of my clients could never share with their spouse that they feel lonely in their relationship, that they still find others attractive, that sometimes they think about a different life. They aren’t able to take time for themselves, or have dreams that don’t include their partner. Some can’t even have a meal without sharing what they ate with their significant other. The conditions go on and on. Some people are so used to this style of relationship, they don’t even realize the emotional exhaustion they are experiencing as a result. They complain of depression, anxiety, emptiness, but don’t realize it is because they’ve lost so much autonomy. The result of these rigid romantic agreements in relationships is a loss of self, agency, and creative personal expression. Contrary to what many think, I believe having thoughts and feelings that stray away from the core relationship are normal; even in healthy long term partnerships. The human mind evolves throughout our lifespan. It is creative, untamed, intelligent. It is only natural to wonder, and to wander; I therefore wouldn’t punish or shame another for what is natural and likewise wouldn’t want that for myself.

I realize that the utter sense of anarchy in my circumstances may be untenable for many. A relationship without any rules or boundaries isn’t easy, and one must possess at minimum a strong skillset in healthy communication, and a healthy sense of self and security. Not everyone is ready for that, they still require a great deal of personal work to heal earlier attachment wounds, or later life emotional injuries. Moreover, couples raising children or living together have more challenges to negotiate, further complicating this issue.

However, the relevance of unconditional love is still valuable to consider. Can you share all of your feelings and thoughts with your partner comfortably—especially those feelings that might invite jealousy? How is your relationship constructed? Are there expectations of each other? What are they? Have you had honest conversations about these expectations? What conditions do you have for your partner and how are they affected by them? Have you asked them this question?

Let’s consider an example. What if your partner said, “Thinking about forever is scary to me.” How would you respond? What feelings would emerge? Anger? Fear? Jealousy? Would you feel that statement implies that you are not good enough for forever? How would you communicate those emotions? With language of blame and control? Should and Must statements? Would you accuse them of not loving you enough?

Or would you say with compassion and empathy, “Tell me more about that feeling? Where does it come from? This scares me, but I want to understand.”

Which of the two responses demonstrates love? In the latter, we are telling our partner that their feelings are valued, safe–and you are there to be a listener, a supporter. In contrast, the first approach sends the signal that certain emotions are not allowed. You are telling your partner what they can and cannot feel. Consider how this impacts a person over time. What are the long term implications of these tiny moments of invalidation? Do you notice evidence of a breakdown in your intimacy and connection as a result? Do you feel these conditions being placed on you? How does it impact you?

If you can’t be completely uncoupled, what are ways in which you wish you had freedom within your own relationship? What makes this impossible—Social ideologies? Fear? Have you ever thought about these concepts? How can you start making your relationship more unconditional now?

I’d love to hear your perspectives and feedback. Have a question? Ask, I may write about it!

What Is an Un-Couple? It’s Brand New

Part 2-Continued from the Introduction

It’s hard to describe what an Un-Couple is, but easier to state what it isn’t. It’s not a relationship in the usual sense, because there are none of the typical expectations and commitments involved. It isn’t an open relationship, or a polyamorous relationship, although there are many similar features present. The differentiation between those models and ours, is that we’ve never had the expectation that the other person was Ours. What this means is that we do not need to communicate any agreements or understandings about anything we do; we are completely separate and completely free. We just happen to love each other and enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes, we spend more time with each other and during these periods we seem more Monogamish. Other times we don’t see much of each other, we don’t communicate as much, and we seem more like friends. We don’t have a situationship, as that implies that one party is withholding something the other wants as a means to exploit it for something they couldn’t get otherwise. We aren’t Friends with Benefits, because that implies that the two people do not have romantic love toward each other. It is, however, an unconditional loving companionship without any limits; probably most closely aligned with something called Relationship Anarchy. It may be endless, or it may have an ending, in either case, it is perfect; because it is the journey that matters. To learn more about the different relationship structures mentioned, check out this link.

But it’s wild without rules!

But why? Now, imagine two people who spark excitement in each other, are enamored with each other’s appearance, energy, personality, humor, knowledge, voice, smell, touch–someone you never get tired of, and you cannot imagine ever wanting to be away from them. Have you felt this way before? What happened? What was the first year like? How was it different than the second? The third? The 10th, if you’ve ever been in a relationship for that long?

Many fortunate people can answer these questions and say, “We grew a deeper bond, we became more like family, our appreciation for one another was stronger over time, we became so intertwined, we can’t tell where one ends and the other begins.” When I hear this, it brightens my emotions and I feel happy, relieved, and hopeful. For so many others, this is only a myth, a dream, or a nightmare.

Often, as a therapist, when discussing someone’s relationship, I hear things like, “We got sick of each other. They got on my nerves, I couldn’t breathe. I fantasized about a different life, being alone and independent. I dream about falling in love with someone else. I started wondering how I ever fell in love with this person. We started fighting about everything. I had no independence or sense of self. We grew apart.”

I realized over the last seven years that there were a lot of relational habits that were ushering couples toward this end. I wouldn’t have noticed these patterns if I hadn’t ended up in this Un-Coupled situation. But being free from all of the expectations, habits, and beliefs that guide a majority of relationships today, I had a unique perspective. I’ll share more about what I observed in later posts, but today I want to discuss what I wasn’t doing that truly set me free. In fact, it was what we both weren’t doing, together.

We agreed from the beginning that we always wanted to spend time with each other because we wanted to, and not out of obligation or habit. On one side of that equation, it means we get to choose our time intentionally. When we chose whatever it is that we wanted–spending time alone, with family, with friends, at work, sexual interests, new people, new friends, out of town, or each other–it’s all been respected equally. Each of us has full autonomy to do what we please with our time, at any time, all the time. That has never changed. This brings up a great deal of discomfort for many; and I understand; because it did for me in the beginning, too. I was willing to lean into this, however, because I simply lost too much time and opportunity being tied up in previous relationships of deep commitment. I couldn’t afford to commit any more of my energy and time to anyone except my career and my son. So I pushed through the discomfort, and beyond it I found many treasures that I’ll share later.

On the other side of this agreement, it means you have to think selflessly. There will be times when you want the attention of the other, but your feelings are not reciprocated. This is innately uncomfortable, but for some this could feel unbearable. There are usually underlying reasons for extreme discomfort, that have nothing to do with that person. If you want to know more about this phenomenon, look up Attachment Theory. You can read about how early attachment wounds with your caregivers can lead to insecurity in your later romantic relationships. But if you are willing or able to challenge this discomfort, you can lean into a loving stance for your partner, embracing the idea that they are happy when they do what they want to do, as are you. Let’s repeat that, as are you. Humans thrive in autonomous environments, it is inherent in our psychology. All through history we see how people fought oppression, whether it was political, economic, social, or personal, on a macro or micro level. Humans do not like to be controlled. If your partner wants to do something else besides spending time with you, any attempt to sway them otherwise is a persuasion away from what they truly want to do; in other words, it is an attempt at control. There may be some wins, but over time, many people tire of this type of manipulation, and the end result is an overall dissatisfaction and longing for freedom.

Many people think this concept of complete freedom is morally and ethically wrong. That is because we have been taught what a relationship is supposed to look like instead of learning about what actually makes humans work well in a relationship. We are taught that monogamy is moral, and opening up your whole self and whole life is the standard. Anything we are taught from a young age will most likely become our values, beliefs, and we won’t even realize we never had a choice. The primary belief system–that people do better in monogamous, long term relationships–is also referred to as a type of amatonormativity. I’m not saying that monogamy is wrong, or that opening yourself up is wrong; I’m saying there are more options, more ways to do things that are equally right. For people who have different types of needs, they require these options in order to be satisfied even if they don’t know it. These type of people have gotten labeled as emotionally or sexually selfish or flawed. But history has taught us this lesson, that what we once thought was moral–was just a paradigm that we bought into. Women once couldn’t vote, and landowners had slaves; we look back at these things with abhorrence and clarity. Isn’t it possible then, that perhaps monogamy isn’t any more moral than consensual non-monogamy? (Okay, okay, I feel you burning about jealousy. That’s another post on another day.) Today is about challenging old beliefs and re-evaluating values. You may discover that you are aligned with the traditional expectations of a monogamous and committed relationship, but I suspect many will find that is not what you resonate with. YOU, have options, as long as they are consensual and mutual.

In order to bypass the myriad of complications that promises, agreements and rules create, we avoided requiring each other’s time or attention. We wanted our time together to always feel brand new. We wanted to appreciate the other person when they were around, to always look forward to seeing one another. We never wanted to be guilty of taking the other person for granted, or manipulating them into wanting our company. We didn’t want to create opportunities to be upset or disappointed with the other, so we never set any expectations. We held true to those principles, even when it was uncomfortable, for the greater good. We also didn’t want to lose our independence–our freedom to explore this life entirely for ourselves, to remain open to whatever may come our way. We believed life was an adventure, and we didn’t want to sacrifice that to each other.

This kept us on our toes, we had to watch our actions and reactions much more closely, to ensure that we were someone the other wanted to be around. Seven years later, I still get butterflies when I see him walking toward my front door, when I see his name on my notifications, when I think of him when he’s away, just like in the beginning, when knowing him was Brand New.

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From this post, let’s look at some key points for self-reflection. Are you engaging or pursuing the type of relationship that deeply suits who you are?

If you are already in a relationship, do you attempt to control how your partner spends their time? If so, what are the reasons? Sometimes this is necessary, particularly when raising children or living together. It’s important to evaluate the why, and avoid the more self-focused drive to control.

Are you being a person that someone wants to be around? We tend to get very comfortable with our partners, and lose sight of the energy and presence we bring to the room. It’s part of the phenomenon of taking someone for granted, that happens in couples.

Do you have a difficult time with separation from your partner? If so, this may be something rooted in deeper issues. This can be painful to live with, it may be time to seek professional insight to find relief in this area, and it can also benefit the relationship.

Do you feel a strong sense of jealousy when you think of your partner spending time with someone else? I’ll write more about this later, but jealousy is a great teacher. Feeling jealous is perfect opportunity to take a deeper dive into your beliefs about yourself, your partner, and the world at large. Read, talk, write, and learn about this jealous feeling, even if you are in a monogamous relationship—just for self-exploration.

Leave a comment if you have thoughts, experiences, or questions. I’d love to hear your perspectives.

The Un-Couple – An Introduction

A few years ago I started writing a book based on my own lived experience. The book led to this blog. The inspiration, like most things the human mind invents, was born out of frustration. You see, at age 38, I unwittingly entered into unexplored territory for a nearly middle aged, divorced mother in the Midwest. I entered into an agreement with someone that wasn’t defined by any existing word. What unfolded over the next seven years was the most enlightening, enriching, and rewarding experience I’ve had in my lifetime. I learned so many things about myself, humans, society, love, and relationships. However, I couldn’t share this with others because there was no language to explain it; and there was little tolerance for the unorthodox manner at which I spoke about love. So I decided to put it all in writing. When people asked me about my love life, I could just hand them the book. Over time, I continued to live and work as a clinical therapist. In my work, I came to find the same themes plaguing my clients’ love life over and over. This made me want to write the book even more; but somehow I became stuck. I was seized by fear of rejection, criticism, judgment. Eventually, I accepted that I had something to say, this was my voice; and somewhere there is a reader who needs to hear this. And today, I decided to open a forum by starting this blog.

Relationships are funny. The fact that we even call relationships by that word is odd. What does the word actually mean? The Oxford dictionary defines relationship as “the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.” By this definition, there is no one way to have a relationship with anything. Oh but there is when you live in a society! There is a model of how to have a romantic relationship that predates our birth, and it has clear rules about how to do it right. However, I am here to be a voice that challenges this traditional model. I don’t want to discredit it, because it works for so many people. In fact, I seek to enhance it while offering another model–a new paradigm.

Stay tuned for more, I hope to explore and expand your mind and my own as I journey into a world where expectations and boundaries are challenged, love is redefined, and self expression is a lifestyle.

Disclaimer: This blog is a reflection of my opinion, and is in no way being shared as proven fact. The information shared in this blog is based on my own anecdotal experience derived from my work with clients, and my own personal lived experiences. In fact, I would say with confidence that there are many “right answers” in this realm, and some of my suggestions may even be wrong for others. When reading this blog, I challenge you to use it as a tool for self exploration. If something written here resonates with you, then run with it. If something challenges you, lean into it and explore why you feel challenged. If something outright conflicts with your values or beliefs, then I respectfully encourage you to follow your own heart.